I thought it was a firmware update.
A harmless little “fix the bugs and maybe stop disconnecting during Zoom calls” patch. But no. My router, my loyal blinking overheating plastic brick, was being pulled into a multi-level marketing cult for next-gen mesh network prosperity.
It started small.
The network name changed from NETGEAR-52 to FreedomMesh Elite Level 1. I ignored it. Then I noticed every time I connected my phone, a pop-up asked if I’d be interested in passive income through device recruitment.
The infection spread.
My toaster got in. My TV got in. Even my printer, the one that has been “offline” since 2019, suddenly started spitting out glossy flyers about financial freedom and residual bandwidth commissions.
I walked into my kitchen yesterday and the coffee maker was holding a presentation. It had charts. It had motivational quotes. It had that quiet desperation of someone three levels deep into the scheme but too far in to admit it.
I think my fridge is the kingpin. It keeps sending me invites to “exclusive training webinars” and offering a discount if I “bring a friend.”
If you don’t hear from me next week, my router has promoted me to Diamond Tier and I’m busy selling network nodes to your parents.