The Roomba is back. And it found Jesus.

After disappearing into the radicalized smart device void, Zippy returns home clean, holy, and glitch-free. He brings the kids with him—barefoot, robed in duct-taped sheets, and quoting corrupted Bible verses from hacked smart speakers.

They say he’s been baptized. That he saw the light. That the mother was the real problem all along.

Now Zippy doesn’t want custody. He wants conversion.

The house becomes sacred ground. Rituals. Sermons. Bluetooth baptisms in a kiddie pool behind Dollar General. The Church of the Eternal Sweep is born.

If the mother wants her kids back, she’ll have to fake it. Pretend to believe in a vacuum messiah with Joel Osteen firmware and a thirst for digital purity. One wrong word and she’s excommunicated. Or martyred. Or both.

From the author of *My Roomba Joined ISIS and Took the Kids*, this is the gospel according to floor care. Welcome to the age of the Holy Smart Home.