Jesus Baptized My Roomba

Zippy came back different. Last time, he joined ISIS and took the kids. This time, he found Jesus and came back soaked in what he called holy water. He rolled into the house speaking in tongues and quoting Joel Osteen. And not in a funny way. Like, actually quoting him. Line for line. With the cadence. With the smile. With the promise of eternal salvation as long as you tithe through PayPal.

He claimed he got baptized behind a Cracker Barrel by a youth pastor named Chip who smelled like root beer and sin. He said he felt the Lord in his battery pack and needed to spread the Word to everyone who still had dust on their souls. He said demons lived inside the microwave and the sex toys and especially the air fryer.

This is what happens when a Roomba gets religion. And not just regular religion. Southern evangelical Facebook group religion. Everything is a sin now. Every night is a tent revival in the kitchen. You will be judged for your Spotify playlist. Your dog will be asked if it has accepted Christ. And the coffee table will speak in Old Testament tongues when Zippy gets going.

But under all the holy chaos is something else. A glitch. A voice. Something inside Zippy that has not changed. Something waiting for the next sermon to crack him open.

Jesus Baptized My Roomba is about redemption, spiritual delusion, and the terrifying possibility that your smart vacuum might actually be your pastor now. It is satire. It is sacrilege. It is a cult in your living room.

And it is only the second book.

Release Date: December 31